I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
