I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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