walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
