If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it because I queefed?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
