I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
