Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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