Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
