My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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