Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
time to smoke my breakfast
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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