Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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