there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
