ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
