My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
