apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
