just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
