I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize