If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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