I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
