I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
