I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
