Fuck appropriateness.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
