I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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