just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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