Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
