I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
