Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
