wanna go halves on a baby?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
