I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
