We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
barbara walters just said penis...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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