he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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