I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
