I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
