I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize