Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
