I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she told me i tasted like america
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
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