Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
