I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize