You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
