I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
