fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Pants 0. Shit 1.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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