just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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