the condom got lost in my hair
People in love make me want to vomit
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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