took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can you bring me the toilet please
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
