just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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