Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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