Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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