is your mom at the bar?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
