sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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