i will never coherently bang her
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
