I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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