There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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