Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
