I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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