You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
