Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
