so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
