im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
