i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
