my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
