life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
